Month: October 2007

I picked this up at my local DVD store a while ago thinking it would be one of those “so awful its funny” movies. And man, did it deliver. The Agony Booth has an eleven page tour-de-force breakdown of what is listed on IMDB as #80 in its 100 bottom ranked films, but really George Harrison captured the essence of the entire production in the title song for the movie, which he executive produced. Some sort of karmic balance for producing Monty Python’s Life of Brian, I guess. Sing along kids, my favorite bit is “I’d like to know you but you’re acting so coolie.” Wow, dude. Wow.

I can’t understand how i’ve gone astray,
I should be sailing away on a liner.
I was knocked on my back on a dock at yang-tse,
It’s a hell of a way to see china.

But i’m ready.
You must be crazy…
And you got no money…
And you’re a liar…

My straits are dire from the wok into the fire,
I’d like to trust you but i’ve broken my rickshaw.
Sometimes there’s no hope in, in chasing opium,
I’d like to love you but i’m not sure what’s in your eyes,
Mm, shanghai surprise.

Whatever you’re saying, i want it anyway in
Been hanging ’round like a kid at your back door.
Oh, babe!
You could be kinder, and show me asia minor,
I’ll let you love me, let you see what’s here in my eyes,
Shanghai surprise.

You must be crazy… crazy…
And you got no money… money…
And it seems like madness…

Back streets so crowded that no room to swing a cat,
I’d like to know you but you’re acting so coolie.
I’m finding out pursued by evil looking dudes,
It’s getting hot for me like tofu when it deep fries,
Oh, shanghai surprise.

But, baby, you look like any common crook
That’s hanging ’round in those real shady places.
Oh, baby!
While you assess me, why not try to impress me?
Step over here, let me see what’s there in your eyes,
Oh, shanghai surprise.

I don’t understand how i got delayed,
I should be sailing today on a liner.
Was kicked in the ass on a dock at yang-tse,
It’s no way for a man to see china.

But i’m ready.
You must be crazy… crazy…
And you got no money… money…
But you’re a tryer…

My straits are dire from the wok into the fire,
I’d like to meet you but i’ve broken my chopstick.
Sometimes there’s no hope in, in chasing promises,
I wanna love you though it could prove to be unwise,
Shanghai surprise.

Whatever you’re saying, i want it anyway in
In hanging ’round for a ride on your rickshaw.
Oh, babe!
You may correct me, now that you’ve inspected me,
Come over here, let me feel you cut down to size,
Oh, shanghai surprise.

My straits are dire from the wok into the fire,
I’d like to know you but i’m not really social.
Sometimes it’s no joke, can’t cope with opium,
I’d like to love you but i’m not sure what’s in your eyes,
Shanghai surprise.

Shanghai surprise.

Shanghai surprise.

And you got no money…
But you’re a tryer…

Wow.

I will give Jackie credit for this, which is just hilarious. And Herman’s Hermits covering Billy Idol’s White Wedding is clearly the product of a fevered mind.

After writing about Jackie Chan’s refusal to take responsibility for the Rush Hour franchise, it occurred to me that I hadn’t even mentioned the fact that the Rush Hour movies are full of eye-rolling Asian stereotypical humor. It’s interesting to see that he’s also cast in next years animated “Kung Fu Panda”, where he’ll be playing Master Monkey! Lucy Liu will be Master Viper! Nobody else Asian in the main cast there, the title panda will be Jack Black and “Shifu” will be played by Dustin Hoffman. Meanwhile Lucy Liu is involved in a Charlie Chan remake, and there’s a Kung Fu remake out there as well.

So thank the gods there’s a Bruce Lee mockumentary coming out, Finishing the Game, by Justin Lin, who made Better Luck Tomorrow, in which he tackled the Asian American overachiever bit. And then there’s the documentary Slanted Screen covering the history of Asian American men in film and television. It points out the ghost of Bruce Lee, and chopsuey in general, looms large over Asian portrayals in Hollywood. Lin makes a similar point:

I think it was a few years ago there was this thing that came out called “The Lost Interviews with Bruce Lee.” It’s this black and white Canadian kind of Charlie Rose type show and they were interviewing him, and it was a great interview. The thing that really blew me away was if you watch that interview and you didn’t know when that interview took place, everything that he was saying could apply to today’s Asian-American actors and today’s filmmakers, so I thought if somehow we could pull it off and make it ’70s, it gave it more context. That was kind of the inspiration.

Somebody go buy Jackie some tickets.

I keep the Federation of American Scientists blog Secrecy News in my RSS because they republish handy dandy Congressional Research Service reports, usually to see what they write on China. Today I checked out “Instances of Use of United States Armed Forces Abroad, 1798-2007,”, which looks suspiciously like something I think I saw in something Howard Zinn wrote. I thought it’d be handy to put it all on a map, but as I realized it didn’t include all the countries U.S. forces entered in World War II, or some of the more recent bases and “lily pads” the U.S. has established (Pakistan, for example).

So I slapped this together with some stuff from Global Security, Military.com, what WW2 history I could remember (I know I’m missing something), and some Googling. To be fair, some of the older events in the CRS report are things like “a dozen Marines deployed to protect Consul-General in Abyssinia”, but if CRS includes it, so do I. I’m still wondering about post-Soviet Eastern Europe, which is changing everyday (missile defense in Azerbaijan?), Southern Africa considering U.S. support for South Africa, and whether or not anymore countries would be included if I went through peacekeeping operations, humanitarian missions or U.S. military aid. But hey, it’s pretty much the whole world anyway.

This Yahoo! article caught my eye: Jackie Chan isn’t a fan of ‘Rush Hour’.

“When we finished filming, I felt very disappointed because it was a movie I didn’t appreciate and I did not like the action scenes involved. I felt the style of action was too Americanized and I didn’t understand the American humor,” Chan said in a blog entry on his Web site seen Sunday.

The reason the blog entry was “seen” on Sunday is because Jackiechan.com apparently just added a slew of older “JC Messages”. In the entry, Jackie goes on:

But to my surprise, this movie was exceptionally successful in the box office and results were very pleasing. Because this movie was so popular, I was offered an irresistible amount of money to film the sequel and I could not say no.

Um, does Jackie Chan have financial problems I don’t know about? Cuz I think he could say no. Also, Jackie made $15 million against 15% of gross on Rush Hour 3, as well as gaining China/HK distribution rights. Yknow, I think by the third movie he could’ve been asking for executive producer rights as well and more creative control – not to mention asking someone to explain the jokes to him. There were 9 years between Rush Hour 1 and 3 to figure that one out.

But the worst part is not Jackie blatantly admitting he cashed in not once, but twice after deciding he didn’t like the product. No, it’s this bit of wrongheadedness:

To me, it was about making another sequel for the audience around the world because in each country I travel to, someone would always ask me, “When will you film another Rush Hour?” But when I‘m in Asia, a lot of people would ask me, “When will you film another Drunken Master?” Or “When will you film another Police Story?” No one asks me about filming another Rush Hour. From what I have observed, I now understand the difference in movie tastes between the American/European audience and the Asian audience.

The reason, Jackie, that nobody in America asks about when you’re gonna make another Drunken Master or Police Story is because they’ve never seen them. Why is that? It’s not because of cultural differences – it’s because the American companies buying distribution rights to Asian films bury them or release them with as little marketing as possible (“Hero”, “Shaolin Soccer”, “Spirited Away”), rename them (“Drunken Master II” is called “The Legend of Drunken Master” in the USA, “Police Story 5” is “Supercop 2”), re-edit them (Such as “Tom Yum Goong”, aka The Protector, aka “Honour of the Dragon”, aka “Warrior King”, for which the Miramax US DVD release murdered the main character’s father who originally lived) and release them with the shittiest DVD covers of all time:

That chick on the cover? Not in the goddamn movie. And of course there’s all that goddamn dubbing. It’s not cute anymore. Stop it. There are online petitions against Disney and their ilk for all this butchery, but y’know who might really be able to stop these villains from killing Asian film in the US and Europe? Jackie Chan. Unfortunately, he’s too busy swimming in his pools of cash and complaining about cultural barriers.

Oh and Jackie? Alot of China seems to think “The Myth” sucked, even though they endlessly love (to my chagrin) Endless Love (无尽的爱). Maybe there isn’t so much disagreement between cultures on what makes a crappy movie.

Bonus Jackie Chan insanity:

I also admire the local government and the regional police force for their full support towards the film industry. They make the whole of Hollywood aware of the industry.

Yes, because no one in Hollywood would be aware of the Hollywood industry if it weren’t for the valiant efforts of the local government and regional police force. The mind reels.

Tim Johnson points out a series of designs illustrating the differences between German and Chinese cultures. The illustrations are by Chinese-born German designer Liu Yang, whose website can be found here. The series was on exhibition at the German Ministry of Foreign Affairs this past May-June. The clearest versions of the images I can find, complete with Chinese descriptions and background, is here.

Some pictures might illicit from both sides a “Haha, it’s funny cuz it’s true” reaction, such as the innocuous “beverages” – Germans are blue, Chinese are red:

But then there are other images like “Problem Solving”:

It occurs to me that some Chinese people may perceive this image as illustrating a failing in Chinese society, whereas Germans (or Westerners in general) are less likely to look at their side as problematic behavior. I think a Westerner would be far more likely to say “Of course we approach problems directly, there is no better way to do it!” than a Chinese person is likely to say “Of course we avoid confronting problems directly, there is no better way to do it!” The designs themselves provide an apt, glib comparison of East and West, but far more interesting would be to examine reactions to them.