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I picked this up at my local DVD store a while ago thinking it would be one of those “so awful its funny” movies. And man, did it deliver. The Agony Booth has an eleven page tour-de-force breakdown of what is listed on IMDB as #80 in its 100 bottom ranked films, but really George Harrison captured the essence of the entire production in the title song for the movie, which he executive produced. Some sort of karmic balance for producing Monty Python’s Life of Brian, I guess. Sing along kids, my favorite bit is “I’d like to know you but you’re acting so coolie.” Wow, dude. Wow.

I can’t understand how i’ve gone astray,
I should be sailing away on a liner.
I was knocked on my back on a dock at yang-tse,
It’s a hell of a way to see china.

But i’m ready.
You must be crazy…
And you got no money…
And you’re a liar…

My straits are dire from the wok into the fire,
I’d like to trust you but i’ve broken my rickshaw.
Sometimes there’s no hope in, in chasing opium,
I’d like to love you but i’m not sure what’s in your eyes,
Mm, shanghai surprise.

Whatever you’re saying, i want it anyway in
Been hanging ’round like a kid at your back door.
Oh, babe!
You could be kinder, and show me asia minor,
I’ll let you love me, let you see what’s here in my eyes,
Shanghai surprise.

You must be crazy… crazy…
And you got no money… money…
And it seems like madness…

Back streets so crowded that no room to swing a cat,
I’d like to know you but you’re acting so coolie.
I’m finding out pursued by evil looking dudes,
It’s getting hot for me like tofu when it deep fries,
Oh, shanghai surprise.

But, baby, you look like any common crook
That’s hanging ’round in those real shady places.
Oh, baby!
While you assess me, why not try to impress me?
Step over here, let me see what’s there in your eyes,
Oh, shanghai surprise.

I don’t understand how i got delayed,
I should be sailing today on a liner.
Was kicked in the ass on a dock at yang-tse,
It’s no way for a man to see china.

But i’m ready.
You must be crazy… crazy…
And you got no money… money…
But you’re a tryer…

My straits are dire from the wok into the fire,
I’d like to meet you but i’ve broken my chopstick.
Sometimes there’s no hope in, in chasing promises,
I wanna love you though it could prove to be unwise,
Shanghai surprise.

Whatever you’re saying, i want it anyway in
In hanging ’round for a ride on your rickshaw.
Oh, babe!
You may correct me, now that you’ve inspected me,
Come over here, let me feel you cut down to size,
Oh, shanghai surprise.

My straits are dire from the wok into the fire,
I’d like to know you but i’m not really social.
Sometimes it’s no joke, can’t cope with opium,
I’d like to love you but i’m not sure what’s in your eyes,
Shanghai surprise.

Shanghai surprise.

Shanghai surprise.

And you got no money…
But you’re a tryer…

Wow.

I will give Jackie credit for this, which is just hilarious. And Herman’s Hermits covering Billy Idol’s White Wedding is clearly the product of a fevered mind.

After writing about Jackie Chan’s refusal to take responsibility for the Rush Hour franchise, it occurred to me that I hadn’t even mentioned the fact that the Rush Hour movies are full of eye-rolling Asian stereotypical humor. It’s interesting to see that he’s also cast in next years animated “Kung Fu Panda”, where he’ll be playing Master Monkey! Lucy Liu will be Master Viper! Nobody else Asian in the main cast there, the title panda will be Jack Black and “Shifu” will be played by Dustin Hoffman. Meanwhile Lucy Liu is involved in a Charlie Chan remake, and there’s a Kung Fu remake out there as well.

So thank the gods there’s a Bruce Lee mockumentary coming out, Finishing the Game, by Justin Lin, who made Better Luck Tomorrow, in which he tackled the Asian American overachiever bit. And then there’s the documentary Slanted Screen covering the history of Asian American men in film and television. It points out the ghost of Bruce Lee, and chopsuey in general, looms large over Asian portrayals in Hollywood. Lin makes a similar point:

I think it was a few years ago there was this thing that came out called “The Lost Interviews with Bruce Lee.” It’s this black and white Canadian kind of Charlie Rose type show and they were interviewing him, and it was a great interview. The thing that really blew me away was if you watch that interview and you didn’t know when that interview took place, everything that he was saying could apply to today’s Asian-American actors and today’s filmmakers, so I thought if somehow we could pull it off and make it ’70s, it gave it more context. That was kind of the inspiration.

Somebody go buy Jackie some tickets.

I keep the Federation of American Scientists blog Secrecy News in my RSS because they republish handy dandy Congressional Research Service reports, usually to see what they write on China. Today I checked out “Instances of Use of United States Armed Forces Abroad, 1798-2007,”, which looks suspiciously like something I think I saw in something Howard Zinn wrote. I thought it’d be handy to put it all on a map, but as I realized it didn’t include all the countries U.S. forces entered in World War II, or some of the more recent bases and “lily pads” the U.S. has established (Pakistan, for example).

So I slapped this together with some stuff from Global Security, Military.com, what WW2 history I could remember (I know I’m missing something), and some Googling. To be fair, some of the older events in the CRS report are things like “a dozen Marines deployed to protect Consul-General in Abyssinia”, but if CRS includes it, so do I. I’m still wondering about post-Soviet Eastern Europe, which is changing everyday (missile defense in Azerbaijan?), Southern Africa considering U.S. support for South Africa, and whether or not anymore countries would be included if I went through peacekeeping operations, humanitarian missions or U.S. military aid. But hey, it’s pretty much the whole world anyway.

This Yahoo! article caught my eye: Jackie Chan isn’t a fan of ‘Rush Hour’.

“When we finished filming, I felt very disappointed because it was a movie I didn’t appreciate and I did not like the action scenes involved. I felt the style of action was too Americanized and I didn’t understand the American humor,” Chan said in a blog entry on his Web site seen Sunday.

The reason the blog entry was “seen” on Sunday is because Jackiechan.com apparently just added a slew of older “JC Messages”. In the entry, Jackie goes on:

But to my surprise, this movie was exceptionally successful in the box office and results were very pleasing. Because this movie was so popular, I was offered an irresistible amount of money to film the sequel and I could not say no.

Um, does Jackie Chan have financial problems I don’t know about? Cuz I think he could say no. Also, Jackie made $15 million against 15% of gross on Rush Hour 3, as well as gaining China/HK distribution rights. Yknow, I think by the third movie he could’ve been asking for executive producer rights as well and more creative control – not to mention asking someone to explain the jokes to him. There were 9 years between Rush Hour 1 and 3 to figure that one out.

But the worst part is not Jackie blatantly admitting he cashed in not once, but twice after deciding he didn’t like the product. No, it’s this bit of wrongheadedness:

To me, it was about making another sequel for the audience around the world because in each country I travel to, someone would always ask me, “When will you film another Rush Hour?” But when I‘m in Asia, a lot of people would ask me, “When will you film another Drunken Master?” Or “When will you film another Police Story?” No one asks me about filming another Rush Hour. From what I have observed, I now understand the difference in movie tastes between the American/European audience and the Asian audience.

The reason, Jackie, that nobody in America asks about when you’re gonna make another Drunken Master or Police Story is because they’ve never seen them. Why is that? It’s not because of cultural differences – it’s because the American companies buying distribution rights to Asian films bury them or release them with as little marketing as possible (“Hero”, “Shaolin Soccer”, “Spirited Away”), rename them (“Drunken Master II” is called “The Legend of Drunken Master” in the USA, “Police Story 5” is “Supercop 2”), re-edit them (Such as “Tom Yum Goong”, aka The Protector, aka “Honour of the Dragon”, aka “Warrior King”, for which the Miramax US DVD release murdered the main character’s father who originally lived) and release them with the shittiest DVD covers of all time:

That chick on the cover? Not in the goddamn movie. And of course there’s all that goddamn dubbing. It’s not cute anymore. Stop it. There are online petitions against Disney and their ilk for all this butchery, but y’know who might really be able to stop these villains from killing Asian film in the US and Europe? Jackie Chan. Unfortunately, he’s too busy swimming in his pools of cash and complaining about cultural barriers.

Oh and Jackie? Alot of China seems to think “The Myth” sucked, even though they endlessly love (to my chagrin) Endless Love (无尽的爱). Maybe there isn’t so much disagreement between cultures on what makes a crappy movie.

Bonus Jackie Chan insanity:

I also admire the local government and the regional police force for their full support towards the film industry. They make the whole of Hollywood aware of the industry.

Yes, because no one in Hollywood would be aware of the Hollywood industry if it weren’t for the valiant efforts of the local government and regional police force. The mind reels.

Tim Johnson points out a series of designs illustrating the differences between German and Chinese cultures. The illustrations are by Chinese-born German designer Liu Yang, whose website can be found here. The series was on exhibition at the German Ministry of Foreign Affairs this past May-June. The clearest versions of the images I can find, complete with Chinese descriptions and background, is here.

Some pictures might illicit from both sides a “Haha, it’s funny cuz it’s true” reaction, such as the innocuous “beverages” – Germans are blue, Chinese are red:

But then there are other images like “Problem Solving”:

It occurs to me that some Chinese people may perceive this image as illustrating a failing in Chinese society, whereas Germans (or Westerners in general) are less likely to look at their side as problematic behavior. I think a Westerner would be far more likely to say “Of course we approach problems directly, there is no better way to do it!” than a Chinese person is likely to say “Of course we avoid confronting problems directly, there is no better way to do it!” The designs themselves provide an apt, glib comparison of East and West, but far more interesting would be to examine reactions to them.

British actor Stephen Fry, known for playing everything from medieval clerics to alarm clocks, has a blog. And considering that he is so ubiquitous that he’ll even rouse you in the morning, it’s quite appropriate his second post is on Fame, it’s advantages and drawbacks.

I am not famous. Not even a little. And yet, living in China, I experience something akin to Mr. Fry’s fame. Consider this passage:

I get stopped on the street, I get (occasionally) hounded by photographers, I get letters from strangers asking for money, sex, advice, approval, time and so on. Journalists with nothing better to do write descriptions of my personality or offer glancing mentions of me. People who have never met me know that they loathe me, or that they like me. I am asked to be patron of this charity and to be on the board of that good cause and so on. I can get a table at the Ivy restaurant and tickets for premieres and parties. A medium ranking sleb.

In my time living in China, I have been stopped on the street, surreptitiously (and occasionally blatantly) photographed, been offered jobs, interviewed by journalists, and overheard people opine about whether or not they approve of me. But I am not famous. No, my skin, my genetic heritage, my physiology is famous. Because I’m white. I just hang on to those coattails, or rather, I’m dragged by them, since I can’t change my appearance. My phenotype is a medium ranking sleb. I am a distinctly separate entity in these encounters, orbiting the interaction between this Chinese person and my body. Whether they actually are addressing me, or simply the archetype they assume I am, is a roll of the dice.

There are times when it is utterly impossible to have a reasonable conversation with someone in China because of my blinding whiteness. I am perceived as a White Man, with all the intrinsic characteristics attributed to that category. Some have been unable to accept that I am not Christian – I have been called a liar for asserting I was not. All white men are wealthy Christian Americans, for some, is a tautology.

Some expats and bloggers in China have argued with me that these are naive and sweet stereotypes, a product of isolation and ignorance, and separate and distinct from Racism™, which is the monstrous creature that burns crosses, enslaves nations and exterminates whole peoples. I cannot accept this argument. Once you are in the habit of placing people into boxes based on something as slight and insubstantial as appearance, it is merely a matter of changing the label on the box from “silly foreigner” to “inhuman enemy”. I am not so quick as to embrace terrified imaginings of a near future in which tens of millions of sexually frustrated, xenophobic Chinese men invade Everything, but I recognize the backdrop that makes such a suggestion imaginable.

Mind you, if I were black in China, I might apply the word “infamous” rather than “famous”. It’s been no secret to those of us living in China that people of different races are painted with a brush as broad as Yunnan, and the recent round-up of black people in Beijing is par for the course. Likewise, other racial categories, including even Southeast Asian Chinese, are further down the totem pole. I’ve witnessed Chinese businesspeople say they will hire a Filipino because they are cheaper. Skills are irrelevant; your market value is determined by ethnicity. As a white man in China, I feel more self-consciously privileged than I ever have before in my life, and simultaneously never felt so discriminated against, objectified. In a strange way, it has been a good thing for me – I don’t think I would be as aware or sensitive to how race is perceived, around the world, if I had only lived in the U.S.. Indeed, recent hysteria over China confirms this belief.

This tendency to define people in groupings like this is not strictly Chinese but all too human. To apply attributes to individual actors because of their membership in an ethnic group or nation, denying their individual choices or self-definition, is something I now prickle at when coming from my own country as well, as toy recalls invoke the dangers of “The Chinese”, as opposed to the dangers of long supply chains and merciless price competition. It’s interesting to read about the newly released Darjeeling Limited, Wes Anderson’s movie about three well-heeled American brothers touring in India, and how it casually depicts Indians as essentially exotic props.

I find myself wanting to follow a sort of code of radical individualism, resisting the application of broad categories or stereotypes as shortcuts to familiarity with people I encounter. But it’s damned hard – after all, it can become progressively harder not to stereotype a Chinese stranger who stops me on the street as someone who will stereotype me, becoming a negative feedback loop of stereotyping and distrust.

Like Mr. Fry, I would like people to stop coming up to me in supermarkets because of my face. But I don’t think they will.

I’m planning on blogging with more of a focus on where I live, Quanzhou, Fujian. I have not come up with a catchy title yet for this, like “QZ Bang” or “That’s Quanzhou”. Suggestions welcome.

Cai Guo Qiang is pretty hot stuff in the world of contemporary art. He’s getting a retrospective at the Guggenheim, which pretty much confirms he’s ascended and his stuff is ludicrously expensive. The retrospective will be from February to May 2008, after which it’ll be at the National Museum in Beijing during the Olympics, and then on to Tokyo and the Bilbao. So he’s doing alright. Cai lives where I grew up and I live where he grew up – New York and Quanzhou, Quanzhou and New York. Haven’t run into him yet, but I imagine I might if I stick around, since the New York Sun mentions “Mr. Cai also has a hand in China’s current museum-building boom, collaborating with the architect Norman Foster to build a museum in his hometown of Quanzhou.”

And behold, Norman Foster and Cai hangin’ out with the local attraction “Giant Lao Zi Statue”. Foster and Partners is also responsible for the new Beijing Airport, London City Hall, the Reichstag… big time stuff. Cai’s site says the Quanzhou Museum of Contemporary Art will open in 2009, though local friends say it might be more like a private gallery. Cai is still not beloved in China because of his replicas of the “Rent Collection Courtyard” sculptures (created by the Sichuan Art Academy) for the 1999 Venice Biennale. It really pissed off alot of Chinese critics who called him things like a “banana artist” who belonged to the “green card tribe”, according to Cai. Legally he stood on firm ground – Chinese courts said that copyright could not be granted to Cultural Revolution era works (which I find really fascinating – anybody know more?).

Cai Guoqiang has kept ties with Quanzhou for a while though. Here’s one of his gunpowder works at a local museum. The subject of both the museum and the artwork is quite interesting, especially in light of some other Cai Guoqiang work. I’ll blog about it later.

This post is a crude attempt to replace the most-trafficked search word at this site, which for far too long has been “Gong Li’s breasts” (worksafe, no worries), driving the administrator to boredom.

Radar Magazine has listed China on its Hype Report, “a ridiculously scientific survey of the most overrated people, pets, politicians and products on the planet.” Also included are Posh and Becks, Brad Pitt, Cupcakes, sex with virgins, Keira Knightly and America Ferrera. Congratulations all. Radar, however, seems to be looking to tweak Chen Shuibian:

CHINA, AS AN ECONOMIC THREAT

Those in college during the ’80s no doubt remember classmates scrambling to learn Japanese in preparation for the Rising Sun’s impending takeover. Well, a funny thing happened on the way to global domination: Japan’s economy imploded, and students went back to studying Spanish in preparation for spring break in Cancun. Today, Taipei has replaced Tokyo as the new Asian bogeyman. The Chinese are industrious! They’re efficient! They’re out for blood! They also have a rapidly aging population, off-the-charts air pollution, and an OTB-style stock market that’s grown 200 percent in just 18 months—a bubble waiting to burst. Better short the lead-painted toy futures market while you still can.

I guess Radar supports the One China policy?

Also at Radar: a profile of Cryptome.

Now that the TimesSelect wall is down, the historical fascinating New York Times archives from 1851-1910 are available for free, though all in PDF. Note to nytimes.com: your “advanced search” sucks. Fix it. This piece seems to be an unintentionally ironic work.

Author Unknown

August 29, 1906, Wednesday

Mention of the Yellow Peril used to be connected with the vision of vast and armed Oriental hordes moving under the direction of some new Genghis Khan or Tamerlane, and spreading ruin throughout the world. But looked at from the modern point of view, the perilous features of the spectacle seem much modified; in fact, they are winnowed away altogether. Armies, to be sure, are already preparing to come out of that country with their Captains of tens and of hundreds and of chieftains of higher multitudes; but they are to come with instruments and intentions of peace, being the ministers of industry instead of destruction. It will no doubt come about that these armies will be drafted at will, conducted on their missions to the ends of the world, and brought back home again when their work is done and their peaceful campaigns brought to a close. They will bring their savings with them, and that will make them property owners and employers of labor all the rest of their lives. Handling these forces of labor on a great scale is a new business, but there is no great difficulty learning it.

The regulations prescribed for the Panamanian contractors to supply Chinese labor for the canal, settling down with precision their obligations to the laborers, to the Republic of Panama, and to the canal organization with this country behind it, seems to cover the ground with justice and good judgment, and may be regarded as the foundation of a code to rule in similar operations hereafter, and gradually shape itself to all their requirements. With a population of 400,000,000, more or less, roughly speaking a third of the inhabitants of the globe, potentialities of labor are locked up there to put a new face on mundane things and usher in the millennial possibilities which time has been dreaming about so long without coming to their realization. One can picture the ancient empire, sending out in processions its yellow hosts generation after generation and age after age, leaving giant monuments of labor on their track, instead of the brand and ravage of war which the politicians have thought now and then that they discerned alarming prospects of. Possibly in the industrial achievements of this age the organization and handling of Chinese labor, bringing it to bear on the right spots at the right time, and sending its armies home when their work is done, with a record of benefits and on both sides, no permanent infiltration of unwelcome Chinks into our society, and everybody satisfied, will stand as one of the greatest on the record. What we may call the Panamanian-Chinese Code, or the beginning of one, is likely to rank in the aftertime as an institute of high and permanent importance, its regulative prescriptions beneficently influential century after century and from end to end of the world. Moving and returning armies of labor outnumbering the legions of Rome and carrying the spade further than the latter ever carried the pilum, is probably the true solution of China’s problem, not obscuring the yellow note in it, but taking away all peril which in the surmise of a timorous diplomacy used to be braided in with it.